overload ;

the voices over my doubts telling me to give up
to pack up, to leave town
even so i had to believe
impossible means nothing to me




i remember how it felt.

god, i remember.

and its killing me inside.

.

deeper everyday ;

but even the sturdiest ground
can shift and can tremble and let us fall down
kindly unspoken, you showed your emotion
and silence speaks louder than words




first of all, i d like to start with a little bitch fit.
i was talking to elvina that day when she told me something pissing off.
im not going to mention names because im nice and saintly.
but srsly, what the hell la.

elvina told me this idiot called her fat
just cause she assumed elvina was "cockstaring"
lets clarify something first ok.

elvina was only staring because half your bra was showing.
you fascinated her with your symptoms of being a whorish tart.
next time wear something that can cover your undergarments.
if you do something that you know ll get attention,
then suck it up when people judge you.

and what right do you have to call her fat.
have you seen your own thunder thighs?
have you felt the tremors that occur whenever you walk?
at least elvina can be hot whenever she wants to.
admittedly, she has put on some weight.
but have you seen her figure last time?
she can get it back anytime she wants to.

whereas, you on the other hand...
*cough

oh, just one more tip, sweetheart.
please use foundation that actually matches your skin tone.
it beats me why you want to look like...
a geishia who has been burnt to a crisp from the neck down?
so yeah, watch your mouth ok. dont be rude.




mhm anyway ! =D
i have been quite happy these two days.
accompanied by two people whom i now call mummy and daddy.
also had a nice skype call last night.
was pretty super; KL-Shanghai-UK-Melbourne.




few random pictures of my cat to round off this post.
























9 more days to SPM !
*drops to knees in despair

.

partridge in a pear tree ;

metaphors ;

dont be so afraid of facing everyday
just take your time, its only life
i ll be your stepping stone, dont be so alone
just hold on tight, its only life




yesterday i woke up with an unexpected whim.

i wanted to play the piano. yes, thats what i told myself. it had been too long since i last allowed my fingers to dance across the surface of the keys. i went down and sat on the bench, smiling as a familiar creak greeted me. for a moment, i remained unmoving, letting only my hands caress the neglected keys gently. then i picked up a sheet of notes and began to play.

the sounds that came out were at first hesitant, the chords, intimidating, as i cowered in uncertainty. but soon i realised how much i d missed being soothed like this. so i half closed my eyes and began to play. it didnt matter that i made a little mistake here and there. what mattered was that i was actually doing something to please myself.

i started taking lessons from a very early age and i never stopped till last year. or was it the year before? i dont remember. last year was a haze in my memory and only the last few months were worth remembering. but what i do know was that i stopped because i was losing my love for it. at some point, playing the piano became a duty, not a passion; and i soon began dreading it. my parents didnt know what their expectations were doing to me, what the pressure was killing; but its okay. because im glad i let go when i did.

yes, thats the key point.

learning to let go.

sometimes, its necessary to let go of the things or people you love most before that love you feel becomes hate. its important to know when to step back and walk away for all the right reasons and best intentions. because the end sometimes really does justify the means.

dont leave it too late and be a victim of circumstance. dont let guilt and uncertainty poison any form of love. sometimes, the timing is just not right and walking away could actually prove to be the salvation you think you ve lost.

and who knows?

one day, you too, might wake up and say,
"hey, i miss playing the piano."

.

flushed ;

i wont disagree ;

cause i ve got the feeling you ll be needing love
and of all the lonely hearts, you re the one im thinking of
but i ve been told its going to take an iron hand
to break the mould and stand above all the rest




ever experienced perfect clarity?

when everything just hits you at one go in a moment of complete realization? it was sweet, but tinged with a little flavor of fear as i realized the gravity of my choice. i know what its going to take to get there in the end, and to tell you the truth, im not sure i will be strong enough. but you know what? to hell with it.

im going to take this leap of faith.

.

sunshine after rain ;

i used to live alone before i knew you
and i ve seen your flag on the marble arch
and love is not a victory march
its a cold and its a broken hallelujah




daddy woke me up quite early this morning.
i think it was around 9AM?
i tried to weasel my way out of getting up so early.
but he firmly insisted that i get my ass off the bed.

*miserable sigh

well anyway. i went to school right after that.
i needed to collect my results and clear out my locker.
its not that i would mind them throwing my stuff away.
i ve taken back all the important text books i need anyhoo.
its just that i d be mortified if someone else used my books.
you have no idea how embarrassing some of the doodles in there are.

you have noooooo idea -_-




on the way.




backseat boredom !




after clearing my books,
i skipped over to bug ms susan for my results.
marched in and out of her office for 2-3 times.
then i got too restless and decided to dig out leenna.
went to the cafeteria and spent some time with her.




when the adults of the prom committee are talking...




the child of the committee plays ! :D
the power of zoom ! hehehehehe.




love you lah.




hopped over to IDP at subang again.
yes, AGAIN. im getting sick of going back there.
but at the same time,
i kind of like that im doing something productive.
and that it involves my future.
nothing is more important than that to me.




yes i know its not straight As.
to all the kors i promised straight As to, wait for spm lah k.
and forgive my math. numbers just irritate me.




daddy brought me to some restaurant at klang after that.
he said their special dish is very yummy.
i wanted to try something new, so ohwells.
off to klang it was.




it was nice after all; but nothing amazing.
i wouldnt mind going back though.




ANYWAY !





I CANT WAIT TO DYE MY HAIR.
I FEEL SO UGLY WITH TWO TONES ON IT.
I KNOW ITS NOT OBVIOUS.
BUT IM A VERY SELF CONCIOUS PERSON OK.
















UGH.

.

inside out ;

i think im losing all control now
i dont even know how
but im in your riptide
and now im inside out




SPM is in 16 days.
please keep procrastination away from me.
please keep facebook away from me.
please keep msn away from me.
amen.

.

fix you ;

when you try your best but you dont succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you cant sleep
stuck in reverse

and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you cant replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

and high up above or down below
when you re too in love to let it go
but if you never try you ll never know
just what you re worth


it was just like fireworks.

brilliant, explosive, and beautiful, i caught my breath everytime the sparks flew. it was like a dream, it was like magic, it was perfection. but with every burst of color and light, came the knowledge that nothing lasts forever, that nothing beautiful stays that way for long. i ached for the loss. cause i knew i would never again feel the same way with any other.

im left wondering whether everything was just a figment of my imagination. the silence is almost painful, and everything hurts inside me as i realise that im alone.

but i will eventually dry my tears and look up to the path ahead. i have a long way to go. and rather than cry over what seems to have finished, im going to smile at the happiness it once brought me. and perhaps let a little blossom of anticipation live in the furthest back corner of my heart.

so for now, im going to stand up tall and walk forwards.

i remember, and thats enough.

it was just like fireworks.

.

i get it ;

i was untouchable
until karma crashed my party
i found out im crushable
and im the only one who s sorry




scared shitless.

of everything.

.

pepperkins ;

H A P P Y
1 8 T H
B I R T H D A Y
J E S L Y N

you re finally legal.
please dont let this shit in life drag you down.
i guess in the end we all have choices?
so make the right ones.
i know you ll be just fine.
loves.

.

careful ;

you resist me just like this
you cant tell me to heal
and it hurts remembering
how it felt to shut down

so there i was, sitting on my bed happily surfing the net on my lappie.
when out of the blue, i see an IM from weilun on msn.




yuin.weilun.

mui what you doing now?
nothing la why.
want to come out anot?
hah?
want anot?
you crazy ar what time d?
come out only ! i damn sien.
hahaha go WHERE?
i dunno !
with you meh?
i go pick up yichin now then come find you k.
do what?
yumcha la !
er i let you know la ok. so last minute.
okk i go pick him up first then i call you.
where he live?
cheras.
O.O you know where i live anot?
sg buloh la right?
eh are you SERIOUS?
YA LA.




yuin.yichin.

eh. we going out.
hah? going out where?
weilun picking you up now.
hah? since when?
now la !
after 20 minutes.
wtf ! he s really outside my house !
told you d la -_-




joy to the world.
tonight, seriously right, i bet someone cursed us all.
cursed us KAO KAO.
probably bought voodoo dolls and spat on them.
then threw them into a pile of crap and set them on fire.
im fucking serious.
you wouldnt BELIEVE what we had to go through.




1. tayar pancit.








2. sien dou hai.

3. KOR KNOW, I KNOW, CAN D LA HOR?




-_-
WHAT a night.

.

the unbiased truth ;

think with your head
and not with your pride
deep down you really know the truth
nobody wants to see you cry

this is going to be another girl-guy thing from my perspective.
just that this time, im not going to be so biased and hard on the guys.
lets hope no one bites my head off for this one -_-

Girl :
why is he not picking up my call? is he that busy he doesnt have time for one fucking call? what is he doing that he thinks is so important? or is he doing something behind my back? seeing someone he knows i wouldnt like him seeing? seeing anyone at all? doing something that would upset me? maybe he s deliberately avoiding me. why? am i not good enough? what more can i do to make myself better? hang on. why should i? i dont have to succumb to this. i dont. motherfu... did he just turn his phone off on me???




Guy :
man. is it so hard to ask for a peaceful night out drinking with the guys?




Girl :
shit. maybe he s still angry? i knew it. something is definitely up. when we spoke earlier he sounded so depressed and sad. maybe it was something i did? god. what did i do? what could i possibly have done to piss him off? but if his phone is off how the hell do i get through to him? how am i supposed to clear any misunderstandings that might be there? i dont want him to be angry with me. crap. i really cant think of anything i could have done to cause this. what could it be??




Guy :
was feeling tired today. but mhm, this beer is good.




Girl :
wait a minute. why am i always the one putting work into this relationship? what has he ever done to give to this love? why am i always the moron who s being self sacrificing when he always gets away scotch free? this isnt fair. i made SUCH an obvious hint earlier on today when he asked me if anything was wrong. i said "nothing" and then proceeded to look sad. even an absolute retard should know that when a girl says "nothing" there s ALWAYS something ! he s doing this on purpose isnt he? its another one of his mind games. god, guys are such dicks !




Guy :
i wonder whats up with her today. pms? mhm. guess not. she said "nothing" though. so i guess its really nothing then.




Girl :
i dont ask for much, do i? its the little things that count. would at least one sweet text per day be so hard to ask for? its not like im really high maintenence. i just want to feel loved like every other girl. what happened to the romance? when he was chasing me, he was so sweet. im not asking for a bouquet of roses everyday, but still. cant he at least try to keep the spark alive? why is he being so mean to me? its like he doesnt care about me anymore. and yet he says he s different from everyone when i tell him all guys are the same. rubbish.




Guy :
*scratches chin* i hope she s not expecting diamonds and roses everyday. she should know i love her enough not to have to show it anymore.




Girl :
i tried going out with another guy to make him jealous today. he saw me, i know he did. but he just pretended not to and walked away. thats obvious proof isnt it? that he doesnt love me anymore? why am i so stupid? why am i still with him when i know its not going to work out anymore? maybe he s in love with someone else. maybe he thinks that im not good enough for him. maybe he thinks he s too good for me !?




Guy :
saw her with tom today. faggot. but oh well, if she needs a homo for shopping advice, who am i to stop her? thank god i ran away in time. if she d seen me she d have dragged me to go shopping with her and asked me whether she looked fat in every piece she tried on. whats the difference between mauve and lavender? they both looked the same to me.




Girl :
everytime i try telling him my problems, he listens attentively for only a maximum of 20 minutes. then his eyes start to glaze over and he gets that faraway look he has which i know means he s thinking about cars and pizza. what the hell? when he has problems, im always the one listening and comforting him. why cant he do the same for me? its not that fucking hard is it? i just want comfort and not to feel alone. he s supposed to be my boyfriend isnt he? why isnt he even caring at all? he s supposed to goddamn care.




Guy :
im only good at solving her problems. but if she s looking for understanding and whatnot, then thats what her girlfriends are for right? i mean, i dont expect her to understand my pain when the devils lose a match. her eyes always seem to glaze over at the mention of football anyway.




Girl :
omg. he s back home.




Guy :
man, im so tired. where is she? i like it when she....ah, i wonder whats that word for it when she hugs me so tight like she s doing now. i feel all warm and fuzzy whenever i see her head bobbing below my chin. mhm. i kinda like how she s all small and fragile. it makes me feel needed. jesus. i feel so gay.




Girl :
sigh. look at his silly face. all happy and contented. he s just so simple and easy to please. i guess he just wants me to love him. oh ! he s hugging me back now. mhmm, this feels good. i feel needed. i wonder whether he feels the same way? sigh. i wish he d tell me how it feels. but i guess its a guy thing? ego and all. ugh.




Guy :
mhm, beer was good tonight.

its not rocket science.
its called compromise.

.

jumpstart ;

i wish i was in my right mind
but i ve left myself unnecessary chores
i make it bad when its just fine
i was whole and sure but now im clearly torn




was supposed to wake up at 4.30 in the morning.
but setting the alarm wasnt even necessary.
because i was on the phone from 2 till 5;
i even got ready with one hand, i kid you not.

left the house ten minutes later.
and about 6 hours later, i d arrived.
hello, singapore.
























went back to KL at 3.30.
because my mother was celebrating a friend s birthday,
me and dad decided to stop at the ship @ DU for dinner.
shit food. shit price. shit shit shit.
















went home around 11 something?
christiancamper called me from singapore (;
turns out he was walking in the same area as i was.
what a coincidence. too bad my phone was out of batts.
or i d have dropped him a call to meet up fosho.

talked on the phone summore till my body died on me.
then dreamland it was.

.

facing up ;

i thought i was safe in my hiding place
but it sure is exhausting living in chains
its paradoxical in every way
nothing makes sense, i cant tell love from hate




it dawned upon me that im changing.

i dont know who im becoming, and sometimes i dont really care. i never knew the lack of something could create another; that lack of sensation and emotion could create a void. im doing and saying things i never thought i would before this. and i do the things i do now to fill that emptiness in me; but i hate the self loathing that comes after. i do not enjoy hating myself.

and yet, hate myself i do.

.