harder ;

losing someone you love is like losing your home. you ve nothing to go back to and nowhere to turn to. there s nothing to shelter you from the storms of life or comfort you from the falls you take on the streets. all you re left with is the memory of what was and the knowledge that there s nothing a homeless person can do but live on.

.

valentines ;

H A P P Y
1 9 T H
B I R T H D A Y
C H O I Y I




though we dont really see each other like how we used to in school,
you ve always been there for me whenever you could.
you were also my first valentines hahaha
please dont forget how i bought you a balloon to kao you.
this is for all the bruises you pinched on my brother during class.
love you dear. have a great 19th.

.

guinew moon ;

elvina laughed her head off when i sent her this.
who wouldnt?
.

crossroads ;

i hope you dont mind if i fall asleep on your shoulder
i hope its alright if you re still mine when we re older
cause i wont spend another day
wondering what might have been

stop hurting me.

all i asking for is a little faith in me. dont be so quick to leave me for dead. just because im leaving soon to start a new life doesnt mean that the future is set in stone. yes, i will be faced with many temptations. i might make a little mistake here and there. but dont give up hopes of me running before i ve even started walking.

im so fucking sick of hearing people tell me that there s no avoiding the fact that im going to become "wild". im not disputing the possibility of their words, but is it so hard to have a little faith in me? if you all bring me down before i even start, how am i supposed to believe in myself when none of you believed in me from the beginning?

my self esteem and confidence has been crushed to absolutely nothing from the most unexpected source and cause. it was from something i never thought capable of hurting me so badly. and even that abandoned me for dead before i could start living. so yes, i may seem full of purpose and direction, but im still just a little girl inside at times. like anyone who thinks she s worthless, i just need a little love and encouragement every now and then. im so starved for it that i feel empty even when im not hungry for it.

so stop putting me down and showing me up.

stop hurting me.

.

already gone ;

started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
perfect couldnt keep this love alive
you know that i love you so
i love you enough to let you go




did a lot of soul searching just now, and im glad to feel that im back on track. i guess its just the fact that i never knew it was going to be this hard though i always knew it wasnt going to be easy. but it doesnt matter. i ve got it all planned out. i know where i want to see myself in a few years time. i want a good job and life.

i know what im capable of. i know what i can do once i set my mind to it. what i want i will get; i will do whatever is humanly possible to keep my dreams and ambitions alive. i ve planned and worked for everything too hard and deep to let go of it all without a fight.

who says destiny has to determine which path my life has to take? i will reshape the definition of possibilities if i have to. i know what i want, and i will get it one way or another. dont try to tell me whats good for me or whats impossible. i will choose what i need in life for myself.

fate isnt going to decide my future.

i am.
they dont believe in me and sometimes i dont either. but its enough for me to know that you once did. its enough.

what happened ;

i aint buying the false anxiety
let your fortress fall
what is it going to take to get you there?
if fear was money you d be a millionaire




bm.
english.
est.
english literature.
mathematics.
science.
sejarah.
accounts.
economics.
commerce.
moral.


feeling so detached right now. i ve completely run out of energy to spin the golden webs of my future. all the dark doubts about the path i want to take is exhausting me, wearing me down to the core. i need to run. i want to stop. i wish to rewind.

skype with the brother in melbourne cheered me up greatly last night. it feels good to just talk and laugh. he made me really look forwards to december (:

im so tired. and i dont know where to go without you.

kenangan terindah ;

somewhere, everybody starts there
im counting on a small prayer
lost in a nightmare
but im here, and suddenly its so clear




it was my dad s birthday yesterday. i made him a card (:
time really does fly when we dont count the minutes.
yesterday last year was the day cub met my parents for the first time.
albeit in a bizaaaaarre way -_-

didnt really plan on doing anything special yesterday.
just lazed around playing the piano and watching tv.

yes, i am aware that im sitting for spm.
if you all know, what makes you think i dont?
im the one doing the papers, kan?
so stop nagging me !

watched a christmas carol with the parents yesterday too.




7/10




i wouldnt say the storyline was spectacular.
but i think thats prolly cause i read the book when i was a little girl.
typical charles dickens. but its a good wholesome story.
on a huge plus side, the effects of the movie were mindblowing.
it was so real i had to remind myself it was just an animation at times.
and it really made me feel like i was in the movie sometimes.

there was one part of the movie
when a group of people were singing christmas carols.
just as their voices were trailing off,
this little boy sitting in front of me stood up.
and finished it at the top of his lungs.




O.O



wah. so early also dah semangat for christmas?




i camwhored yesterday.
*guilty








f*ck spm ! ;D








oh, hair. faster grow, faster grow !
*chants jampi.

i seek perfection for you ;

lift me up ;

the struggle through the long years
its hard for me to outrun my fears
but everything thats worth having
comes with trials worth withstanding




4 papers down. 7 more to go.
gee, how joyful.

you know, despite all the hype and momentum that they build up for spm, when the real thing comes along, its actually pretty damned anti climatic. and it doesnt help that the weather is so cold nowadays. its horribly hard to get up in the morning when all i want to do is stay curled up in my blanket hugging moochee.

my general expression while sitting for spm:

-_-

it doesnt change, no shit.

anyway, one of the extra subs im taking is English Literature.
i just wanted to share this poem with anyone who s reading this.
its my favorite among all.




Tonight I Can Write.
by pablo neruda

tonight i can write the saddest lines.

write, for example, 'the night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

the night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

tonight i can write the saddest lines.
i loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

through the nights like this one i held her in my arms.
i kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

she loved me, sometimes i loved her too.
how could one not have loved her great still eyes.

tonight i can write the saddest lines.
to think that i do not have her. to feel that i have lost her.

to hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
and the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

what does it matter that my love could not keep her.
the night is shattered and she is not with me.

this is all. in the distance someone is singing. in the distance.
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

my sight searches for her as though to go to her.
my heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

the same night whitening the same trees.
we, of that time, are no longer the same.

i no longer love her, thats certain, but how i loved her.
my voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

another s. she will be another s. like my kisses before.
her voice, her bright body. her infinite eyes.

i no longer love her, thats certain, but maybe i love her.
love is so short, forgetting is so long.

because through nights like this one i held her in my arms.
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that i write for her.




beautiful, isnt it?

gah, i cant concentrate on spm at all. my mind s just too full of the things i want to do after it. i ve got 2 months and possibly more left here before i leave and i wanna do productive things with it. maybe im going to get a job though i really dont know how.

as for prom, i ve got the date, the dress and the ticket.
i just need to get the shoes, the clutch and the memories.

faster laa spm, diuu.

all that i do, i do for you

the build up ;

SPM tomorrow.
bring it on !

thick blood ;

H A P P Y
1 9 T H
B I R T H D A Y
Y A N G


its not that i didnt want to post up a decent picture..




its just that you..




have a tendency to..




look like an idiot cause you think its cool.




i d wish you personally by barging into your room
and jumping on you like i did all the years we lived together.
buuuuuuut. seeing as you re gallivanting in UK..












i guess this will have to suffice.
i miss you, moron.




though you re anti social
(yes i know you were texting em, but STILL)




a poser..




and a grouch..




but you re still my brother.




i hope you have a great 19th birthday.
and it scares me that time is passing so fast.
i wonder where have all the years gone to?
it seems like yesterday that you just finished your spm.
and here i am, about to sit for mine.
(my spm s on wednesday you lump. you better drop me a good luck wish on msn)

im glad we dont argue anymore.
i remember arguing EVERY morning without fail on the way to school.
i remember you giving me your dulan face cause i always oversleep.
i remember throwing things at you when we argued
..and you dodging them.

ohwells. good times ey (:
happy birthday !

.

injustice ;

as high as the moon
so high were my spirits
when you sang out my name
and coming from you it was enough just to hear it




why do good things happen to bad people?
why do bad things happen to good people?

why couldnt we make it even though we tried?
why could they make it even though they didnt have to?

but even so,
i believe everything happens for a reason.

i believe.
and that will have to do for now.
.

hugs and kisses !

i ve always hated replying spammers on my chatbox.
i mean, spammers are basically just socially inactive people who are itching for my attention, no? so since they want it, i dont see whats the point of replying them on my chatbox when not much people can see their cowardly oh-so-brave attempts at making me cry.

ok la, ok la.
i ll try to make you feel better alright?
*cries*




*finishes an entire box of tissues*




*sniff*




are you feeling better now? ;D

okay. lets do this the traditional way.
lets see the evidence.

*serious face*




GUEST says :
"Ahem about that fat reoulsive thing , you shouldnt have sided her i mean it IS true and by the way you , yourself put makeup. Its so thick because you're so pale and your face is so colourless. so become u judge other people look at yourself first please ! and MYOB too!"




(hahahahahahahaha. *cough*bad english*cough* haha, do you think i would be embarrassed to post up an insult towards me ar? think again, darlings. i post big big for you all ok?)




ok. AHEM.



yes, maybe elvina is fat. but i dont suppose the person you re defending is stick thin too? oh wait, maybe i made a mistake? give me a sec. imma go see.

*checks*

dear god. i think i just choked on my own laughter.


and sigh ):
why la you wanna attack my skin color. its not my fault that im this fair even WITHOUT foundation or a layer of powder thats so thick it could cover the alps. just so you know the only thing i put on my face when i go out is..

*drumroll*





















eyeliner.

make up tip of the day, ey?

see, i know how some people wanna put enough powder on their face to make sure they look like an entire sack of flour hit them on their head before they walk out the house. gee, who knows what motivates such unfathomable actions.

some people like using white powder on dark skin to look fair.
how do you propose i make my fair skin look dark?
get BLACK powder to use on my "pale and colourless" skin??
please help me out k.
*rolls eyes*




see the advantages of blogging out a reply?
there are no character limits to hinder my sarcastic train of thought.
and besides, im not particularly itching to go study now.
might as well procrastinate and kill some time.



GUEST:
if you do not want to look like a pathetic douchebag with no concept of mental stability, i would suggest you leave your real name the next time you come to my blog to make me cry.


*cries*


i mean, im so hurt that you re so terrified of me that you dont dare leave a name !


*cries*


am i so mean ?
):


*cries*


dont you want to be friends?


*cries*


how la to be as popular as some people if i dont make new friends?


*cries*


summore ask me to mind my own business !


*cries*


im just a harmless 17 year old !


*cries*









ok la.
i think i ve given you enough popularity and attention to last a decade.
if you all wanna continue coming to spam and attack a matter which has already been settled, then you re just very behind on updates. i dont mean to bring up old wounds and all, so dont fucking tempt me. sarcasm can branch off into many ways.


i have nothing against anyone trust me.
the person you re defending?
i happen to have friends in her group.
and i never had anything against her before.
but if you insult me or the few people that i do care about,
you should expect backlash.
(if you dunno the meaning please go check dictionary)
cause i never lose at making someone look stupid.
hands fucking down.

have a nice day, dears.
xoxo.

.

I'M LEAVING IN JANUARY FEBRUARY, BITCHES ;D

ps. jil is ecstatic that she gets a whole extra month with me. freedom after spm !

if you re not the one ;

if you re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today
if you re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way
if you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
if you are not mine would i have the strength to stand at all




i dont want to run away but i cant take it, i dont understand
if im not made for you then
why does my heart tell me that i am?
is there any way that i can stay in your arms?

if i dont need you then why am i crying on my bed
if i dont need you then why does your name resound in my head
if you re not for me then why does this distance maim my life
if you re not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife?

i dont know why you re so far away
but i know that this much is true
we ll make it through
and i hope you are the one i share my life with

and i wish that
you could be the one i die with
and i pray that you re the one i build my home with
i hope i love you all my life

cause i miss you, body and soul so strong
that it takes my breath away
and i breathe you into my heart
and i pray for the strength to stand today

cause i love you whether its wrong or right
i know i cant be with you tonight
and though my heart is by your side
i dont want to run away but i cant take it, i dont understand


good song; one of the rare ones i never get tired of listening to.
and i realised, i d rather stay away and hurt myself.
than stay with you and hurt you.
im sorry.

.

overload ;

the voices over my doubts telling me to give up
to pack up, to leave town
even so i had to believe
impossible means nothing to me




i remember how it felt.

god, i remember.

and its killing me inside.

.